a Hot Dog and a Cold Beer ...

Hi everyone,

As Dad mentioned in his previous posting, Les and I asked Mom during a recent visit if we could bring her anything special. She said 'a hot dog and a cold beer'!  So, that's exactly what Dad and I did yesterday....on the way to visit Mom, we stopped at Costco and picked up a hot dog loaded with mustard, ketchup and relish - her favourite toppings.  We arrived at the lodge just as they were serving lunch in the dining room and decided to move Mom to the activity room to enjoy her special lunch. This way, we could sit with her and enjoy the time with her. When we placed the dog and beer in front of her, we asked her if she remembered her request  - she gave us a big grin and said YES!    And boy did she enjoy her lunch - and the beer was extra special because it was a bottle of Corona which is her favourite.  She guzzled it like it was a hot summer day and the last cervaza on the planet!  What a joy it was for us to experience her enthusiasm and contentment.  A special day...

Una cerveza por favor!

Christmas Story II

 I left Di sleeping (something she does a lot of now) but returned at 5pm to join her for Christmas dinner.  It was turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy....the usual Christmas dinner.  Dessert was a chocolate cheesecake which Di really enjoyed.  Then I took her to her room to rest while I did  her hair and put cream on her.  She fell asleep.
     The next day when I went to see her she was grumpy and agitated.  Nothing seemed to be okay.  She wanted to leave and come home with me.  I am used to these mood changes now and know how to respond to them. She shows signs of frustration, anger, and sorrow.  Often she will cry for no reason...at least she can't tell one why she is crying.  And so it goes. The next day she may be docile; the next day she might be "up",quite coherent and talkative. 
     Dianna is hard to understand now.  Words and expressions that have no meaning in the context of discussion at the moment leaving one unable to decipher her thoughts.  One now watches facial expressions to guess the context and mood.  Because she can no longer communicate other residence of  the Lodge ignore her.  Staff are good at getting the gist of her thoughts and can read her moods very well.
     As we get close to New Years only Lisa is here.  We are going to see Di at noon today and taking a hotdog and a beer for her.  When  Lisa asked her if their was anything she would like this is what she asked for.  It will be interesting to see how she reacts when we bring them to her.
     I have to talk about something that is very difficult but I feel that anyone reading this blog should know.  About a week ago Dianna told me that she knew she was at the end of her life.  I asked her if this scared her to which she replied "no".  All I could say was that I would miss her terribly.  Then I had to get out of there to face my own sorrow over this brief but very coherent message she gave me.

A Christmas Story

I wish I could say this Christmas of 2013 brought us a miracle; that Di would reverse her downward trend; but such is not the case. The miracle was that we were able to have a Christmas with her; possibly the last one.

We (Lisa, Scott, Lynn, and I) had Christmas brunch with Di at  the Lodge. It was a wonderful special Christmas. Di was delighted; it was what she wanted for Christmas-to be with her family. We were also pleased to be able to have this time with her. She enjoyed the grape leaves and sfeeha; Syrian dishes she had not had for some time. Di had Xmas gifts from Elaine Loehr (a special friend from Yellowknife) a nd Cheryl Rousseau,a friend from work here at CFB Comox. We gave her a shawl that Lisa had gotten in Mexico. When it was time to leave (the Lodge gave us a private room for two hours) I took Di into the Activity room were the Lodge had a Christmas gift opening for the residents. Di received two gifts; a shawl and a Starbucks coffee mug.

To be continued.

December visit

Visited Dianna two days ago and yesterday.  She was more alert...back to her old self.  It is a reminder to me that the Alzheimer's downward path is a" long winding road" (to quote the Beetles).  It is good to have her back..  The pics are taken as we sat in the Activity room and sang Christmas carols.  The coffee is mine but that doesn't seem to concern her.  It's a capochino which she likes.  She always forgets to have the mouth part of the cup so she can drink out of it without incident so I keep an eye on it and turn it for her. She remembered a few of the words of some songs e.g. Jingle Bells.  She was enjoying the moment.

Dianna holidays in the Baja 2010-11

Greetings from sunny San Jose Del Cabo on the Baja!  Les and I have been enjoying ourselves at Viva for the almost a week now - my time flies when you're not working!  Weather has been fantastic as usual - maybe a little more cloud then past years, but still hot and the beach is deserted so we've been enjoying some lovely walks.  Everything is pretty much the same here - the community spirit at Viva is welcoming and fun as it always has been - same people coming every year for their winter holidays. Some stay up to 6 months.

Les has joined 3 other shall we say 'older' gentleman on the tennis court every morning to play a game called 'pickle ball' which is like ping pong where players bat around a small hard ball with a paddle.  Then afterward, he often plays 30 minutes of tennis with his old friend Paul, who is a Dr. from San Francisco we met here on our first trip 6 years ago.  Paul, now 80, is in amazing shape. He drives south for his Baja holiday every year and stays for 5 weeks. Later in the afternoon, Les and Paul can be found playing Backgammon pool-side.

As many of you know in 2010, Les and I invited Mom and Dad to join us on our winter holiday. That year, we came for 3 weeks, and Mom and Dad rented their own beach front condo, staying for 5 weeks and enjoyed Christmas and New Years here with the Viva gang.  They returned to Viva with us in 2011 and had another extend stay - can't recall how long that time...think it was for 4 weeks, although they had planned to stay longer, Mom was ready to return home sooner.  Everyone here at Viva has asked about you Mom and Dad, and they all send their kind regards and best wishes.

Les and I were talking the other day about the many found memories we have our time together.  One thing we loved to do as a family, was play a game of doubles tennis every morning before it got too hot. Mom was a fantastic tennis player and we were all amazed at how well she played despite the dementia.  In the pics below, she is making some stellar shots, hitting the ball right back at Dad - who if I recall, wasn't able to return the ball (sorry Dad - LOL!) - and of course, she had the best player for a partner! After our tennis games, we'd often gather pool-side for a morning swim, and breakfast of yogurt, fruit and granola.  The days would unfold with beach walks and pool-side siestas.  We enjoyed many meals together... no trip to the Baja would be complete without a visit to the Tropicana to see the Mariachi- fantastic!  Here are some great pics....wishing you were here with us!!

Philip and Bella visits

for the past 4 days Bella and I have visited Dianna three times. I sat with her during her lunch time. She still is able to feed herself but as the picture shows I was helping her some of the time. she was a bit on the edge and got anxious a few times showing some frustration with herself. They have been having difficulties with her taking her meds and this may be the reason for the anxiety.

When I saw her today she was in her broda and resting with her eyes closed all the time I was there. She was not able to open her eyes for any length of time. Only once did she open her eyes to look at me and smile. It was very discouraging and filled me with remorse as I had a few tears on the way to the car. I left after staying only one hour.
It is clear to me now that Dianna cannot process thought or ideas. While she likes to talk much of what she says doesn't make sense. It is a tough time right now seeing her like this and knowing that it will only get worse.

PS..couldn't find the pic...it was only me helping Di eat.

A day of Visitors

Lisa, Les and Bella came for the weekend. Scott went with them to see Dianna. They will be holidaying in Mexico for a couple of weeks so they wanted to see Di before they went. Scott and Bella will stay with me.  While they are away Bella and I will be visiting with Di over the next two weeks.

I  also went to see Di around 2pm and had a good visit.  You will note that in the picture (taken today) of  Les and Di that she is in a wheelchair rather than her Broda.  It is a good thing that she is in the wheelchair as it strengthens her feet and lower leg muscles as she moves the chair.  When I arrived she was still in the wheelchair but I saw that she was leaning precariously to the left.  Di's left side is weak, especially when she gets tired.  We believe the left side weakness (and drooping left eye) are the result of the mini strokes she  has had.   We are told the mini strokes hasten the decline of brain functioning and hope the doctor has found the right meds so she won't get anymore strokes.

As many of you know Di has a hard time communicating.  It is difficult to understand her and one must read the facial expressions to get some idea of what she is telling you.  Often a "yes, Dianna or no, Dianna" will allow her to continue talking.  It is very important, I feel, to keep her talking to help her keep a connection with the world around her.  It is interesting that sometimes she is quite articulate; again, I believe that when she is"up" she is more understandable.

Friendship - BJ Harding & Elaine Loehr

When you realize you have good friends in your life, you feel blessed.  Having had many a conversation with Mom over the years about her friendship with BJ, I know how much Mom loves and appreciates her.  Over the years, the two have had lots of adventures together; trips to Coombs, working in their gardens together, planning special events with family and friends, working on Christmas projects, shopping for the holidays, being in the kitchen together, being in Jim's woodworking shop together to make benches for the gardens (and one for me too!).   Always lots of laughter and heart-felt conversations about the ups and downs of their lives.  Back in the spring of this year, BJ offered to help Dad care for Mom.  When Dad tired to graciously let her off the hook, BJ insisted saying... she's my best friend and I want to be there for her.

Since Mom's transition to Cumberland Lodge, BJ's been visiting Mom during the week after work, and helping her with her evening meal.  During a recent visit to Comox I met up with BJ for a Starbucks and was privy to hearing about BJ's grief over the recent loss of her mother and of her best friend - Mom.   

We are truly blessed to have you in our lives BJ.  Thank you for your love and support of Mom, and of our family. I know the sadness you feel, and hope that you are also experiencing a peace that comes from being present with Mom as she is today, accepting and encouraging her to be the best she can be today, and for loving her.  I hope you sense in your inner knowing and wisdom how much Mom loves and appreciates you.  

We recently got in touch with a long-time friend of Mom's - Elaine Loehr who lives in Saskatchewan. Mom and Elaine go back to Yellowknife days.  She had not heard the news and was devastated to know what was happening to Mom.  Elaine - thank you for sending the lovely card.  Dad took it to the lodge and shared it with Mom.  She acknowledged she knew who you were and was delighted to know you had written... when I visited last weekend, I had the chance to read your note and share it with Mom again.  Here she is with your card in hand.

Without Fear

"Without fear, we are able to see more clearly our connections to others. Without fear, we have more room for understanding and compassion. Without fear, we are truly free."  Excerpt taken from the book Fear byThich Hnat Hanh 

Since returning to Vancouver to re-connect with my home and work life mid September, I've been reading Thich Hnat Hanh's book on Fear.  My good friend and colleague Erna Hagge introduced me to the author and his best selling book - Peace Is Every Step.  Talks with my friend often centre on our thinking and feeling about our lives, and how we want to practice being present and at peace with all it has to offer.

For those not familiar with Thich Hnat Hanh, he is a Buddhist who has penned many books on his beliefs. I recently heard on CBC one mans opinion that Buddhism is a philosophy grounded in positive psychology more than it is a religious notion. I tend to agree.  One recent afternoon spent at Chapters wandering the book aisles (heaven on earth), I found Fear  - or maybe it found me.  I spent the next hour in a corner at the Starbucks outlet located on the second floor engrossed.

As I've shared with many of you, returning to work and to the everyday routines of life has been hard at times. While I love my home and my life with Les here in YVR, I miss being with my family and the daily interactions with Mom.  Time spent together is so precious.  I know I believed this before Mom got sick...that time together is precious, but there's an added sense of urgency now.

I've had some serious conversation with Les about moving to the Island.  I've talked over my options with Aunt Linda over a lovely lunch at Mars on Main.  I've explored job and living opportunities.  I can find myself wracked with anxiety about what to do and the fear completely immobilizes me.  It's a tough decision - a big one, and it's generated more stressful feelings than healthy ones.

Reading Fear has helped. It's helping me to trust that my future will unfold as it is meant to, and that it's ok to take this time to explore my options.

I notice when I can remember what I've learned from Hanh's writings, when I have his wisdom in my awareness and I can put it to practice, I can experience moments without fear and the benefits described in the excerpt above become my reality...for that moment.

I experienced a shift last weekend during my trip to Comox and visits with Mom  I felt more calm in the midst of the storm. I cried a little less.  It was a little easier to see Mom as she is today - courageous and loving, and finding ways to cope with her life as it is today. I was able to focus on ways to uplift her and accept her as she is today.  My time with her was without a lot of fear about the future.

I'm grateful to have connected to Hanhs' wisdom - it's like a cloak of courage helping me find ways to be on this journey with Mom with less fear and more moments of peace - peace of mind and heart.

Guinness

I'm taking care of David and Gil's dog Guinness for a few days while they are on a sailing trip in Europe.   Bella and him get along famously!  We took them both up to see Mom today but only Bella went into the Lodge - the two together would have been a tad too overwhelming for the residents as I'm sure you can imagine! 

Scott and I visited with Mom this afternoon and are pleased to report she is doing really well - in fact, since I've been here, I've noticed her eyes are brighter, and she's regained a few words from her vocabulary. Perhaps recovered some degree from the mini-strokes or at least they haven't reoccurred of late? She's settling in and seems happy for the most part. 

Yesterday, Dad and I talked with the head nurse about getting Mom seated at a table with others for meals. Up until now, she's eaten on her own in her broda chair in the dining room because it seemed more relaxing for her and less stressful.  At first they had seated her at a table but noticed it was too much stimulation for her and it made it harder for her to focus on eating.  Now that she's more settled, they agreed to try it again - she ate at a table with two others for breakfast and lunch today and did really well.  Mom needs a bit of prompting and assistance to get started, and encouragement to continue but she does a good job- Bon Appetite as she would say...

Life goes on...

After returning home 10 days ago to catch up with Les, work and re-connect with colleagues, I'm back in Comox. I'm here until the later part of next week and plan on heading back to be at work for Monday Sept 23rd.  I'm really grateful I'll be on a flex work schedule for a while - 3 weeks on, 1 week off, so that I can make frequent trips here to visit Mom and Dad.

Despite knowing (I think) Mom's safety and well-being are in good hands at the Lodge, returning home after spending the summer with her - leaving her - was really tough.  Was she going to be ok? Will they take good care of her? Will they comfort her when she's worried or scared? Despite mine and Scotts presence, Dad is alone in the house now...not easy. How could I leave and go back to my life?

You have to get back to your life Lisa...life goes on ... right?

Life goes on...

I was glad for my own bed - Grasshopper didn't seem to have noticed we'd been gone, returning to his habit of sleeping at my side at night which was comforting. Les and I celebrated our 20th Wedding Anniversary Sept 11th.

Since Mom's illness, Dad has done a great job of remembering family birthdays and special occasions etc.   We were delighted to receive this wonderful pic of Mom and Dad on our anniversary...

Life goes on...

I've had a hard time engaging in my life at home. It's not easy for me to talk about Mom with people . I want to retreat and sleep. I want to reflect and remember.  I want to stay home with my dog and my cat and sit in my barker lounger and watch movies. Work...was I ever passionate about my work? Was I interested in making a difference?  Where did those things go?   I'm in a bubble of sadness and grief.  Somewhere inside I know happiness....it pops up from time to time and I start to feel brighter.  I'm grateful for a lot and can easily count my blessings.  And then poof...where did it go again? The heaviness returns.  One day I woke up and wrote an email to Cathie Borrie hoping  she'd reply and say let's talk. I so needed to talk with someone who could relate to my experience.  Cathie is a Vancouver author who wrote a book I recently read called 'The Long Hello'.

Cathie's Mom had Alzheimer's.  During the days Cathie spent caring for her Mom, she recorded the conversations she and her Mom would have.  When her Mom passed away, she shared these unique conversations in her book. At first, I couldn't understand their language - garbled, confusing, non-sensical dialogue.   But having had many of these non-sensical conversations with my Mom since her words disappeared I can now relate to Cathie's experience and her story of her and her Mom.

We did meet for coffee and it was wonderful to meet Cathie. Delightful she is. Wise, compassionate and full of good advice. She helped me reframe some limiting thoughts to see them in a more positive light, especially those  unsettling thoughts of Mom in her new home that were only based on fear and assumptions.  Cathie helped me realize the deeper your care for someone in life, the harder the grieving process can be.  Especially the mother daughter connection. Cathie encouraged me to keep writing.  Thank you Cathy...I hope we'll stay connected.

Cheryl visits Dianna Sept 5th

I had a wonderful visit on Friday with Dianna.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  I arrived before lunch and found my friend sitting in a lovely bright room with others.  We had time to go for a walk and log onto a computer where I showed Dianna pictures on the blog of her lovely husband, family and friends.  I was thinking that it would be nice to laminate some pictures and put them on a ring for her to put in her basket.  I will see what my creative side (ha ha) can come up with.  Before we knew it lunch was being served.  I was able to sit with Dianna in the sunroom vs with all the other residents.   I can tell you her lunch was a whole lot more appetizing than what I saw at the hospital.  Tomatoe based pasta soup with a roast beef sandwhich and applesauce for desert.  I made sure she had plenty of fresh ice water to drink which she enjoyed.  One of the caregivers (Cama) an acquaintance of mine from years ago mentioned that when family / friends are there at meals she seems to eat very well.  It made me feel like I was helping out in some small way.  Once lunch was over we headed outside for a few pictures (attached) and to enjoy the sun and a nice walk.   It was wonderful to feel the warm sun on our faces. 

The staff at the lodge were all very caring and couldnt be more welcoming to me.  It was comforting to know that Dianna's new home would be a warm and special place for her to be.  I am certain that she will receive the love and care when family/friends are not able to be there.

           Just a note .... The caregivers mentioned to me that visitors were welcome to bring in lunch or
         desert to enjoy with Dianna.  Maybe just call ahead if you're bringing lunch so the kitchen
         doesn't make the meal

         Hugs & kisses Dianna
     
          Cheryl
          (Dianna's friend from the base and many years before when I worked at the Public    
           Service Commission in Victoria and would talk to Dianna frequently in Comox)

Lisa returns to Vancouver

It's hard to believe it's September and I've been here since July 15th.  It's time for me to go home and get my bearings; re-connect with Les and Grasshopper; sleep in my own bed; and figure out next steps re: work.  This experience has changed me and while I'm not sure where life will take me over the next little while, I do know it won't take me far from you Mom- I will be back mid-month.  Don't forget me Mom -  it won't be long before we are together again. I love you!

It's time for Dad to get his bearings.  Scott is here - he plans to use Comox as his mid-Island work-base for a while, coming and going between here and Victoria and making sure Dad stays out of trouble. I miss you two already - our family dinners, conversations and time spent together have been wonderful beyond words.  Time together I will cherish forever ... I love you both very much!!

See you soon...

Les and Bella visit

Les arrived this past Friday for the September long weekend. A visit with his long-lost wife, Bella and the chance to see Mom...all long over due.  Oh...and Dad too :-)

Bella & Mom enjoying the sun

Les, Bella & Mom in the Lodge courtyard

Bella's new career - visiting with the lodge residents

An Ode to My Sister Dianna - Love Vicky

I hope you will accommodate my indulgence.  It's so very hard to be so far away when I cannot hold anyone's hand, offer a hug or flower or help with a meal. But I can write.   I can't be there, but my heart is there just as though I was standing in the room beside you all.  

 

Happy Couple Pics

Came across these photos today and thought I would share in celebration of the 50 years!  These are from the BVI trip in 2008.  Enjoy.

Sunrise; Sadness & Serenity

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers oe'r fraught heart and bids it break" - William Shakespeare

I had a restless night. Thoughts of Mom and the days past bouncing around in my head like a ping-pong ball.  Night-time is scary - shadows close and afar, leap out at me reminding me of what I've lost, of what I'm afraid of, and what I will forever miss. 

 Oh Mom...I hope you don't find the nights scary, afraid and wondering where you are and what's happening to you.  I want more then anything for you to be at peace knowing you are well cared for. Knowing how much you are loved.  Love is the antidote for fear. 

When my eyes fluttered open at 5:45 am and I noticed a faint light under the bedroom door, I felt relieved.  I padded out to the living room feeling exhausted.  Bella thumped her tail at me a few times and then retreated to the bedroom where I just came from, and to the comforts of Les' light snoring, and my warm pillow.   

I sat down on the couch taking in the beautiful Kin Beach sunrise and pondered my sleepless night. Monkey brain (as my Bro calls it) is a curse.  It robs me of all things precious that can only be reaped when I'm in the now...like sleep!  When I am in the now, I'm less sad and anxious and most at peace despite the heartache and grief I can't seem to escape.  I can accept the tears and the sadness, and appreciate all that I'm grateful for.  I'm so aware of life. So aware, that I can taste it; the salt of my tears and the sweetness of Bella's thumping tail and this beautiful sunrise.   

.   

Mom settles into Cumberland Lodge today

A tough day for all of us - Mom was transfered by ambulance today from St. Joseph's to her new home - the Cumberland Lodge.  Mom had a sleepless night last night - anxiousness, and therefore was pretty out of it for the entire trip. Once in her new bed, she slept all day.  Dad and I followed her to the lodge with some of her clothes which had to be labeled with her name, along with her beautiful new quilt made by Gil Alford, and a few pics of her family.

While Mom slept, Dad and I met with two of the nursing staff and went through a fairly extensive in-take process/orientation; reviewing history, meds, preferences etc.  There was some confusion about the Meds which we'll need to get sorted out over the next few days.  Great people - everyone we interacted with was super friendly, interested in Mom's story and in her well-being.  The lodge has a Team Lead who is an RN, RN's, and LPN's as well as support staff - kitchen, admin etc. There are 3 resident Dr's, so Mom will be cared for by a new Dr - Can't recall her name, but we'll most likely meet her next week.  There is also a physiotherapist and occupational therapist who will work with Mom to rehabilitate her to a new norm.  The next week or so will be about settling in, assessment and  the development of a care plan for Mom.

At lunchtime, Dad and I ventured into the little town of Cumberland. We had a great lunch at a place that was recommended to us called Mar's on Main.  We met Mar (short for Marilyn), who opened up the place about a year ago. Great menu and excellent food!  And that's what we needed - some good food and a bit of breathing space.  As we waited for lunch, we talked about how stressful and emotional the morning had been for both of us.  We know it's the best move for Mom and we are amazed at how fast she got into a facility- grateful for this and at the same time, very sad knowing this is Mom's new forever home.

We're not sure what Mom is comprehending.  Does she know where she is? Dad stayed with her all day where as I left around 2 pm to tend to Bella and do a few things, one being pick Les up from the Shuttle - YEAH! Les is here!  I then took Les up to see Mom around 4:30 pm -  dinner arrived at 5 pm and I managed to nudge Mom awake with Les' help. We repositioned her in bed and fed her dinner, which, she gobbled down - including dessert.  Hungry she was, having gone all day without any food.

We left shortly after as she very quickly fell back to sleep.  I said good bye and I love you, which she responded to. I said I had to go home for dinner and would see her soon.  Mom then asked me if I could take her with me -- AHHHH GOD - my heart is breaking.

Phil & Di's 50th Wedding Anniversary!

Saturday August 31st is Mom and Dad's 50th Wedding Anniversary!   Lots of love to you both...

True love is spending one day getting married... and the rest of your life feeling glad you did.

 Unknown

To me, fair friend, you never can be old, For as you were when first your eye I eyed, Such seems your beauty still. 

William Shakespeare

I have heard that whoever loves is in no condition old.

Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Happy Birthday Bro!

Happy Birthday Scotty Poo - hope your day is as special as you are!

Looking good for 28!  

Mom transfers to Cumberland Lodge Friday

Hi everyone,

Yesterday, Dad met with a gal at St. Joseph's by the name of Tracy - a hospital liase for home and community support.  Tracy let us know they have found a bed for Mom in the Cumberland Lodge - one of the 4 facilities operated by Vancouver Island Health Authority (VIHA).

Cumberland is a small community within the Comox Valley that lies just north of Courtenay, and is about a 30 minute drive from Mom & Dad's place.

Mom will be moved by ambulance to her new home on Friday morning - Dad will travel with her.  I plan to meet them at the lodge to help settle her in.  Here's a link:

http://www.viha.ca/hcc/residential/locations/cumberland_lodge.htm

Birthday Pics!

Mom's surprise B-day party complete with fish and chips, DQ cake and of course, friends and family.

Linda helping Mom show off her new Pashmina 

Scott and Phil - hurry up and take the pic so we can eat!

Add capti

Happy Birthday Dianna!

Today is Mom's 72nd Birthday.  Here are some great pics that Vicky shared with me of Mom in her younger days...