Despite knowing (I think) Mom's safety and well-being are in good hands at the Lodge, returning home after spending the summer with her - leaving her - was really tough. Was she going to be ok? Will they take good care of her? Will they comfort her when she's worried or scared? Despite mine and Scotts presence, Dad is alone in the house now...not easy. How could I leave and go back to my life?
You have to get back to your life Lisa...life goes on ... right?
Life goes on...
I was glad for my own bed - Grasshopper didn't seem to have noticed we'd been gone, returning to his habit of sleeping at my side at night which was comforting. Les and I celebrated our 20th Wedding Anniversary Sept 11th.
Since Mom's illness, Dad has done a great job of remembering family birthdays and special occasions etc. We were delighted to receive this wonderful pic of Mom and Dad on our anniversary...
Life goes on...
I've had a hard time engaging in my life at home. It's not easy for me to talk about Mom with people . I want to retreat and sleep. I want to reflect and remember. I want to stay home with my dog and my cat and sit in my barker lounger and watch movies. Work...was I ever passionate about my work? Was I interested in making a difference? Where did those things go? I'm in a bubble of sadness and grief. Somewhere inside I know happiness....it pops up from time to time and I start to feel brighter. I'm grateful for a lot and can easily count my blessings. And then poof...where did it go again? The heaviness returns. One day I woke up and wrote an email to Cathie Borrie hoping she'd reply and say let's talk. I so needed to talk with someone who could relate to my experience. Cathie is a Vancouver author who wrote a book I recently read called 'The Long Hello'.
Cathie's Mom had Alzheimer's. During the days Cathie spent caring for her Mom, she recorded the conversations she and her Mom would have. When her Mom passed away, she shared these unique conversations in her book. At first, I couldn't understand their language - garbled, confusing, non-sensical dialogue. But having had many of these non-sensical conversations with my Mom since her words disappeared I can now relate to Cathie's experience and her story of her and her Mom.
We did meet for coffee and it was wonderful to meet Cathie. Delightful she is. Wise, compassionate and full of good advice. She helped me reframe some limiting thoughts to see them in a more positive light, especially those unsettling thoughts of Mom in her new home that were only based on fear and assumptions. Cathie helped me realize the deeper your care for someone in life, the harder the grieving process can be. Especially the mother daughter connection. Cathie encouraged me to keep writing. Thank you Cathy...I hope we'll stay connected.
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